SNN has great news!

Single Dads:

Stepping Up to the Parenting Plate

By

Rosemary Mc Namara, LCSW

[SNN] Jamie has a soccer game in a neighboring town at 4:00 . Brian has to be picked up at school after a club meeting at 4:15 . Four-year old Susie is home sick with the babysitter and needs to be taken to the doctor. The children above have one parent, a single Dad, with primary custodial care. He is at work but needs to be 3 other places, too, all at the same time.

These are the times when he wonders why he agreed or even fought for custody of his children. He might even feel justifiably angry over being stuck with all the work and feeling like he has to be both Mom and Dad. He may find himself expressing his frustration in front of his children, something he vowed he would never do. He may feel overwhelmed, drained, at his wits end and even a little frightened facing the reality: no one can do it all. He may wish for these years to be over and even regretting he ever got himself into this situation. Ultimately, however, these are the times when beautiful, loving and humorous memories are forged and soon enough he will wonder how on earth he managed.

Since 1980, the number of single fathers in the United States has doubled to nearly 1.6 million. For every five mothers raising children alone, there is one father raising his children without their mother present. Single Dads are increasing at a rate of 6% a year; that's double the rate for single Moms. Almost 15% of all single men are now running a Dad only household.

Previously, in many cases "fatherhood" was the mere biological assistance in reproduction. Most often, the father assumed the traditional and only role as breadwinner and family protector. While some fathers still prefer this role, many do not. The desire to be a nurturer as well as a provider is evident in the growing number of men who are now assuming primary parenting responsibility.

Traditionally, men have learned about parenting from women. However, men do not parent like women and should not be expected to. Fatherhood is being redefined for many men are motivated to have real relationships with their children not the insubstantial ones they had with their own Dads.

Dads bring to the parental/child relationship a unique and valuable interaction that often differs from that of mothers; they offer a unique and rich relationship with their children. Their tendency to be physically playful and spontaneous combined with gentleness can form the basis for a healthy and active personality in a child.

As generations of stay at home mothers can attest to, one can get lost in the day-to-day logistics and frustrations of child-care. When men assume the primary care role, often the "fun" that once highlighted his role as parent can be lost. Dad is now assuming multiple roles and responsibilities. The result is often a feeling of frustration and isolation. Dad finds that he cannot do everything, therefore, an important tool for coping is to develop and establish a good support system.

Unfortunately, the message many men have learned from their own Dads is that asking for help or support or accepting it signifies weakness and failure. However, the Dad's of by-gone years did not juggle career, bedtimes, laundry, meals, shopping, doctor appointments, child-care, sports, school, etc.

When the fathers of past generations found themselves alone in parenting they did in fact seek out help. The following illustrates not only how much society has changed in terms of how men see themselves as an integral part of their children's lives, but it also suggests how asking for help with child care issues is not a new concept. In fact, it was something that was socially acceptable to do.

Harry was born in 1940 the youngest of three children. When his Mom died shortly after his birth his father immediately placed his children in foster care. Dad visited on the weekends and continued to do so until Harry was 14 years old at which time Dad remarried. Only then did the children return home. Harry's Dad and many like him did not define his role as a primary caretaker. Nor did he feel that he was expected to care for the daily needs of his children. He worked, made money and allowed the state to care for his children. Harry's father needed help and sought it out in whatever way he could.

Although the above is an extreme example, men in single parent situations customarily reached out for support. Many of us know of some family whose children lived with an aunt or grandmother after the death or absence of their mother.

Most men were raised to tough it out and get through difficult times without help. This attitude makes men particularly vulnerable because as primary parents they need the support of other men who are also experiencing this new frontier. In addition to the support with the day to day demands of parenting, advice from other men who have may already navigated the court system is not only supportive but may offer valuable information.

Feeling alone, exhausted and overwhelmed in any role can be damaging to one's physical and emotional health. As a single Dad the willingness to ask for support/help is key to the success of maintaining a healthy sense of self which, in turn, is vital for raising healthy kids. Adult conversations, evenings or even some time alone to do the things once done when parenting with a partner is essential to maintain well being. Down time may relieve resentment, anger, depression and frustration and pave the way to experiencing some of the fun in parenting again. .
Many Dads feel uncomfortable admitting that they are missing a social life. Requiring a life apart from being a parent may feel like they are failing the kids. However, it is impossible to be everything and unrealistic to think that Dad can or should be. Also, the sense of contentment and increased well being derived from Dad addressing his needs is exponentially passed back to the kids. In order to provide for children there needs to be something to give so replenishing Dad becomes an essential part of healthy parenting.

In the event that Mom is completely absent additional pressure to be both Mom and Dad is exerted in an attempt to make it up to them. Raising children do not require martyrhood. Children need someone who understands their needs and can respond to their feelings. They don't necessarily need to have that same person available to them every minute of each day.

Children do benefit from being with a parent who is healing. They learn resiliency in times of struggle and respect for other human beings. They learn to appreciate change and not fear it. These are important lessons that a Dad who is truly comfortable with his role as a parent and his needs as a human being can teach his children. He cannot give children what he doesn't have. A healing, growing father teaches by example and that is essential in raising healthy children.

Inevitably, the challenges and rewards of single parenting are a smile on a child's face when Dad comes home from work, the quiet peace of watching a game or reading together. The roller coaster ride of adolescence, the frustrations of discipline, the hugs and kisses and high fives of success are all part of the special bond between parent and child.

The Dads who have stepped up to the plate of single parenthood are an incredible and very special group of men. They are the pioneers and heroes who will pave the way for future generations of fathers as they enrich the lives of their children in monumental ways that can never be measured or over stated.

© Copyright 2005 Rosemary McNamara-all rights reserved- Rosemary McNamara, LCSW is presently in private practice in Port Washington, NY , USA . She is also a psychiatric consultant for Long Island University, C.W. Post Campus Student Health and Counseling Services and additionally works with students with learning disabilities. She is a field instructor and supervisor for Adelphi University graduate students in the School of Social Work. She can be reached for consultation or appointment at 516-883-6813